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Oz: We should figure out what kinda deal this is. I mean, is it a-a gathering, a shindig or a hootenanny?
Cordelia: What's the difference?
Oz: Well, a gathering is brie, mellow song styling; shindig, dip, less mellow song stylings, perhaps a large amount of malt beverage; and hootenanny, well it's chock full of hoot, just a little bit of nanny.
Buffy: Yeah, but I thought I saw something. I'm not sure, I was really out of it, but...
Cordelia: But you do know that you saw death.
Willow: Did it have an hourglass?
Xander: Ooo, if he asks you to play chess, don't even do it. The guy's like, a whiz.
Xander: Oh, no, no. NO. No cool. This was no wimpy chain rattler. This was 'I'm dead as hell, and I'm not gonna take it anymore.'
Giles: Well, despite the Xander-speak, that's a fairly accurate definition of a poltergeist.
Xander: I defined something? Accurately? (closes a book on the table) Guess I'm done with the book learning.
Xander is using fishsticks as puppets.
Xander: Tell Angel I'm gonna kill him! No wiat. I'm gonna kill you!
He starts to repeatedly stab a toothpick into the other fishstick. The camera pulls back and up to his face.
Xander: Die! Die! Die!
He makes an anguished face and lets the fish stick fall.
Xander: Aah! (squeals) Mother!
Cordelia: Is that it?
Xander: Yeah. That's it. Scene!
Buffy: That's exactly how it happened.
Oz: Well, I thought it was riveting. Uh, I was a little unclear about some of the themes.
Buffy: The theme is Angel's too much of a coward to take me on face-to-face. Xander: And the other theme was 'Buy American' but it, uh, got kind of buried.
Giles: You're not real.
Xander: Sure I'm real.
Giles: It's a trick. They get inside my head, make me see things I want.
Xander: Then why would they make you see me?
Giles: (considers) You're right. Let's go.
Cordelia: What's the plan?
Xander: The vampire attacks you.
Cordelia: And then what?
Xander: The vampire kills you. We watch, we rejoice.
Teacher: Thank you for joining us, Mr. Harris. Look, I realize that you've all finished your finals and you're ready to move on. But you haven't graduated...yet. This is still a class and everyone will participate. Mr. Harris, would you care to begin?
Xander: Ummm....E.
Teacher: No. There 's no E .
Camera turns so that we can see that the chalkboard has a game of Hangman drawn. The teacher draws in the head.
Teacher: They always go for the E.
"What else would I pump you for? I really just said that didn't I?"
-Buffy
"And they say young people don't learn anything in high school nowadays, but, um, I've learned to be afraid."
-Xander
Willow: Ooo, Scott Hope at eleven o'clock. (to Buffy) He likes you. He wanted to ask you out last year, but you weren't ready then. But I think you're ready now, or at least in the state of pre-readiness to make conversation, or-or to do that thing with your mouth that boys like.
Buffy snaps her head around at Willow and gives her a shocked look.
Willow: Oh! I didn't mean the *bad* thing with your mouth. I meant the little half-smile thing that you...(glares at Oz) You're suppose to stop me when I do that.
Cordelia: ....Well, I personally don't think it's possible to come up with a crazier plan.
Oz: We attack the Mayor with hummmus.
(long pause form all the others)
Cordelia: I stand corrected.
Oz: Just keeping things in perspective.
"Spike when I want your opinion, I'll....well I'll never want your opinion."
Anya: We're just kind of thrown by you having sex with Spike.
Buffy: The who whatting how with huh?
"Unbelievable. 'Do you like my mask? Isn't it pretty? It raises the dead!'....Americans."
-Giles
"I could ride you at a gallop until your legs buckled and your eyes rolled up. I've got muscles you've never even dreamed of. I could squeeze you until you popped like warm champagne,and you'd beg me to hurt you a little bit more. And you know why I don't? Because it's wrong?"
-Faith as Buffy
Spike: Yeah you're one to talk. (goes back to looking for stuff)
Buffy: Meaning?
Spike: (faces Angel and Buffy) The last time I looked in on you two, you were fighting to the death. Now you're back making googly-eyes at each other like nothing happened. Makes me want to heave. (turns away).
Buffy: I don't know what you're talking about.
Spike: Oh, yeah. You're just friends.
Angel: That's right.
Spike: (faces them again) You're *not* friends. You'll never *be* friends. you'll be in love til it kills you both. You'll fight, and you'll shag, and you'll hate each other til it makes you quiver, but you'll never be friends. (points at his temple). Love isn't brains, children, it's blood..(clasps his chest) blood screaming inside you to work its will.
(Neither Buffy or Angel want to hear this)
Spike: *I* may be love's bitch, but at least *I'm* man enough to admit it.
"Aw, man, it's Nazi, Germany, and I've got Playboys in my locker!"
-Xander
Buffy: Actually I do have a date. Older man. Very handsome. He likes it when I call him 'Daddy'.
Angel: (smiles) Huh, your father. (frowns) It is your father, right?
Willow: I am not a *vampire*
Buffy: You are. I-I mean you, you were. Giles, planning on jumping in with an explanation any time soon?
Giles: Well, uh...something....something, um, very strange is happening.
Xander: Can you believe the Watcher's Council let this guy go?
Xander: (thinking)What am i gonna do? I think about sex all the time! Sex! Help! 4 times 5 is thirty. 5 times 6 is 32. Naked girls, Naked women! Naked Buffy! Oh stop me!
Buffy: God Xander! Is that all you think about?
Xander: Actually...bye. (runs away)
Anya: Fine. Look, I know you find me attractive. I've seen you looking at my breasts.
Xander: Nothing personal, but when a guy does that, it just means his eyes are open.
Willow: Buffy. And as my best friend you need to stop thinking about Parker. He's no good. There are men, better men, wherein the mind is stronger than the penis.
Xander: NOTHING CAN DEFEAT THE PENIS!! (he recieves a dirty look form both Buffy Willow) Too loud, very unseemly.
Buffy: "I told one lie... I had one drink..."
Giles: "Yes. And you were very nearly devoured by a giant demon snake. The words, "Let that be a lesson" are a tad redundant at this juncture."
Parker: "Buffy? When you...drowned, whoever brought you back? They're getting a big kiss from me."
Buffy: "Xander will be so happy."
-lines cut from The Harsh Light of Day
"I will be wearing pink taffeta as the chenille does nothing for my complexion and can we PLEASE talk about the Ascension?"
-Giles
Buffy: I'm not coming back. We're not friends. We never were. And I can fool Giles, and I can fool my friends, but I can't fool myself. Or Spike, for some reason. What I want from you I can never have. You don't need me to take care of you anymore. So I'm gonna go.
Angel: I don't accept that.
Buffy: You have to.
Angel: How can...There's gotta be some way we can still see each other.
Buffy: There is: tell me that you don't love me.
"I love you. Nothing can change that. Not even death."
-Angel
Angel: You still my girl?
Buffy: Always.
"I tell you how. Do you know what it's like to be so much a part of someone that you don't know where they end and you begin? Would you die for her?"
-Angel
"Buffy will always going to be a part of me, and that's never going to change."
-Angel
Buffy: Angel. This is the first time I've ever really felt this way . . .
Angel: What way?
Buffy: Just - the way I've always wanted to. Like a normal girl. Falling asleep in the arms of her normal boyfriend. It's perfect.
Giles: Buffy, what is it?
Buffy: Angel.
Giles: Is he in trouble?
Buffy: He knows I'm ... He needs to see me. And I have to see him.
Giles: Yes, of course. You'll leave for L.A. tomorrow?
Buffy: Not L.A. And not here. We'll meet in the middle. There's a place...
Giles: I see. Well, we'd better get these bills and things out of the way before you...
Buffy: I gotta go now.
Angel: "Why would a woman I've never met even talk to me?"
Doyle: *laughs* "Have you looked in the mirror lately? (hesitates) Er, I guess you really haven't, no."
Cordy to Doyle: You are a lot smarter than you look (Doyle looks at her) - Of course you look like a retard.
Cordy:We need more of these now. Have a vision.
Doyle:I cant just perform on demand.
Cordy:We need the clients. Have a vision.
Doyle:That money has corrupted you.
Cordy:If I hit you on the head, will you have a vision?
Doyle:Get away from me. Youre insane.
Cordy:Am not. Now will you have a vision?
"Tell you what, you fight - and Ill keep score."
-Doyle
BUFFY: So ... what's the deal with Manny the manager? If I ask him really nice can I write a children's book called that?
GARY: (hands her an empty paper cup) Fill this while I get the fries. (turns
away)
BUFFY: (looking at cup) Fill this? I didn't know there was gonna be drug testing on this job.
GARY: (laughs) You're funny. (stops smiling) You better stop that.
BUFFY: (filling the cup at a soda dispenser) Why?
GARY: Productivity. One of Manny's watch-words. 'Levity is the time-thief that picks the pocket of the company.'
BUFFY: I prefer the one that goes, 'Manny's a humorless dolt who picks the
pocket of he-should-bite-me.'
GARY: (sighs) You really need to be quiet with that.
XANDER: (swallows) People?
BUFFY: Xander, you ate the burger?!
XANDER: (stands up, yells) Well, first you say it's cat, then you come in and
hand me a burger, blah blah blah, five minutes later 'oh and by the way, it
happens to be hot delicious human flesh'!
BUFFY: I needed that burger to analyze it. Now I'm gonna have to get another one.
XANDER: *That's* your problem with this scenario? You getting seconds?
Wesley: (about the ballet troupe) So what are we thinking, vampires?
Cordelia: Well, they're not a deeply tanned bunch.
Gunn: That would explain the precision and the athleticism. I mean, some of those jumps were... You know, I was cool before I met y'all
"You love her that much (Punch) Start a website."
-Angel
Xander: You ready to get down you funky party weasel?
Giles: Here comes Buffy. Now remember, discretion is the better part of valor. Xander: You could have said "Shh" God, are all you Brits such drama queens?
Cordelia: This is great. There's an unkillable demon in town, Angel's joined his team, the Slayer is a basket case...I'd say we've hit rock bottom.
Xander: I have a plan.
Cordelia: Oh, no, here's a lower place.
"Something weird is going on". Isn't that our school motto?"
-Xander
"It's a big rock. Can't wait to tell my friends. They don't have a rock this big."
-Spike
"We like to talk big, vampires do. "I'm going to destroy the world." That's just tough guy talk. Strutting around with yoru friends over a pint of blood. The truth is, I liek this world. You've got dog racing. Manchester United. And you've got people. Billions of people walking around like happy Meals with legs. It's all right here."
-Spike
"For God's sake, man, she's eighteen. And you hyave the emotional maturity of a blueberry scone. Just have at it, would you? And stop fluttering about."
-Giles
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*In Willow's room. Spike has just failed his attack on Willow*
Spike : I don't understand. This sort of thing's never happened to me before.
Willow: Maybe you were nervous.
Spike: I felt all right before we started. Let's try again. *Spike attacks again but recoils in pain* Ow! Oh! Ow! Damn it!
Willow: Maybe you're trying too hard. Doesn't this happen to every vampire?
Spike: No to me, it doesn't!
Willow: It's me, isn't it?
Spike: What are you talking about?
Willow: Well, you came looking for Buffy, then settled. I..you didn't want to bite me. I just hapened to be around.
Spike: Piffle!
Willow: I know I'm not the kind of girl vamps like to sink their teeth into. It's always like "Oo, you're such a good friend."
Spike: Don't be ridiculous. I'd bite you in a heartbeat.
Willow: Really?
Spike: Thought about it.
willow: When?
Spike: Remember last year, you had on that fuzzy pink number with the lilac underneath?
Willow: I never would have guessed. You played the blood-lust kinda cool.
Spike: I hate being obvious. All fangy an "rrr". Takes the mystery out.
Willow: But if you could...
Spike: If I could yeah.
Willow: You know, this doesn't make you any less terifying.
Spike: Don't patronize me.
Giles: Don't be late.
Buffy: Have I ever let you down?
Giles: Do you want me to answer that or should I just glare?
"Ohh gang, did you hear that? A bonus day of class plus Cordelia. Mix in a little rectal surgery and it's my best day ever."
-Xander
Buffy: Why are you...you had sex with Giles? You had sex with Giles?!
Joyce: It was the candy. We were teenagers.
Buffy: On the hood of a police car?!
Joyce: I'll be downstairs. You feel better.
Buffy: Twice?!?!?!
Giles: Why should someone want to harm Cordelia?
Willow: Maybe because they met her? Did I say that?
Xander: So Buffy, how'd the slaying go last night?
Buffy: Xander?!?
Xander: I mean...how'd the laying go. No, I don't mean that either.
"Testosterone is a great equalizer. It turns all men into morons."
Xander: I kind of had a problem with the math.
Willow: Which part?
Xander: The math.
Buffy: So Giles, got anything that can make this day any worse?
Giles: How about the end of the world?
Buffy: Knew I could count on you.
"I laugh in the face of danger, and then I hide until it goes away."
-Xander
Giles: Why would someone want to harm Cordelia?
Willow: Maybe because they met her? Did I say that?
"Why couldn't Xander be possessed by a puppy or...or some ducks?"
Jenny Calender: You're here again? You kids really dig the library, don't you?
Buffy: We're literary.
Xander: To read makes our speaking English good.
Willow: Malcolm. Moloch. Whatever he's called. The one boy that's really liked me and he's a demon robot. What does that say about me?
Buffy: Doesn't say anything about you.
Willow: I mean, I thought I was really falling...
Buffy: Hey did you forget? The one boy I've had the hots for since I moved here? Turned out to be a vampire.
Xander: Right, and the teacher I had a crush on? Giant preying mantis.
Willow: That's true.
Xander: That's life on the Hellmouth.
Buffy: Let's face it None of us are ever gonna have a happy, normal relationship.
Xander: We're doomed!
Willow: Yeah!
*They all force a laugh and then abrupt silence*
Buffy: This means that whatever's out there still needs a healthy, intelligent brain.
Xander: In other words, I'm safe.
Willow: How'd she get it? Is she a witch? 'Cause we can fight a witch.
Xander: Hmm, Greek myths speak of cloaks of invisibility, but they're usually for the gods. *Everyone looks at him* Research Boy comes through with the knowledge!
"Cordelia, your mouth is open and sound is coming from it. This is never good."
-Buffy
Cordelia: Buffy? You're really campaigning for bitch of the year, aren't you?
Buffy: As defending champ, you nervous?
Giles: Grave robbery? That's new. Interesting.
Buffy: I know you meant to say "Gross" and "disturbing"
Giles: Yes,yes,yes of course. Terrible thing. Must put a stop to it. Damn it.
Cordleia: It was horrible. Angel saved me from an arm. God, there were so many parts, they were everywhere. Why are these terrible things always happening to me?
Xander: Karma! *Coughs to cover it up*
Snyder: Tell me, who do you think is the troublesome student in this school? Well it is quite a match between you two. On the one hand, Buffy hasn't stabbed a horticulture teacher with a trowel.
Shelia: I didn't stab anyone with a trowel. They were pruning sheers.
Snyder: On the other hand, Shelia has never burned down a school building.
Buffy: W-well, that was never proven. The Fire Marshall said i-it coulda been mice.
Snyder: Mice.
Buffy: M-mice that were smoking?
"You were there? Oh please! If every vampire who said he was at the crucifixion was actually there, it would have been like Woodstock. I was actually at Woodstock. That was a weird gig. I fed off a flower person, and I spent the next six hours watching my hand move."
-Spike
"You were my sire, man! You were my...Yoda."
-Spike
Giles: You have responsibilities that other girls do not.
Buffy: Oh! I know this one! Slaying entails certain sacrifices, blah blah biddy blah, I'm so stuffy, give me a scone.
Willow: *Upon seeing Angel has no reflection in the window* How do you shave?
Angel: "You and me, Faith, we're a lot alike."
Faith: "Well, you're kinda dead.."
Angel: "Like I said. A lot alike."
Faith: "Sorry, buddy. I'm alive and kicking. In fact, I"ve got a bodily function that needs attending to pretty quickly here."
Angel: "You're not alive. You're just running. Afraid to feel. Afraid to be touched..."
Faith: "Save it for Hallmark. I have to pee."
-cut from Consequences for length
"The count of three isn't a plan. It's Sesame Street."
"Things used to be pretty simple. A hundred years, just hanging out, feeling guilty. I really honed my brooding skills. Then she comes along."
-Angel
Buffy: Angel, when I look into the future, all I see is you. All I want is you.
Angel: I know the feeling.
Angel: I have something for you. For your birthday. I... I was gonna give it to you earlier, but...
Buffy: It's beautiful.
Angel: My people -- before I was changed -- they exchanged this as a sign of devotion. It's a claddagh ring. The hands represent friendship, the crown represents loyalty... and the heart... Well, you know... Wear it with the heart pointed towards you. It means you belong to somebody. Like this. (showing the ring he's wearing)
Buffy: Stay.
Angel: Forever. That's the whole point.
"Angel's moment of true happiness occurred because he was with Buffy. You realize how rare that is - true happiness?"
-Wesley
Angel: I can stay in town as long as you want me.
Buffy: How's forever? Does forever work for you?
"'B' word was the love of his life -- and he's what, two hundred and
fifty? -- that ain't a short life. This grief-work's gonna take more than a vacation in Sri Lanka."
-Gunn
"She was the love of your life and she died. And you weren't there when it happened, you couldn't help her fight . . . you couldn't save her . . . you couldn't die with her."
-Cordy
"Angel! Willow's on the phone. She's alive. Buffy's alive."
-Cordy
Doyle: "I wanted to tell you. I was afraid. I thought if I did, you'd reject me."
Cordy: "I've rejected you way before now! So, you're half demon. Big Whoop! I can't believe you'd think I'd care about that. I mean, I work for a vampire! Hello?"
Doyle: "It's true. I just..."
Cordy: "What do you think I am, superficial? - So you're half demon. That's so far down the list, way under 'short' and 'poor'! - Is there anything else I should know?"
Doyle: "The half demons thing is pretty much my big secret."
Doyle: "If you need help. Then look no further. Angel Investigations is the best! Our rats are low."
Cordy: "Rates!"
Doyle points to the papers taped on the windows behind her: "It says 'rats'. - Our rates are low, but our standards are high. When the chips are down, and you're at the end of your rope you need someone that you can count on. And that's what you'll find here - someone that will go all the way, no matter what. So don't lose hope. Come on over to our offices and you'll see that there's still heroes in this world. (Clears his throat) Is that it? Am I done?
BUFFY: Hi. Welcome to the DoubleMeat Palace, may I help you?
FATHER: Yeah. We need two Number Four Medley Meals, a junior Medley, a
Fisherman's Medley with bacon, and a kid's meal. Plus three fries, a chocolatey
shake, and extra pickles on one of the Medleys.
Spooky music. Buffy looks at the cash register in alarm. Zoom in on the cash
register with its bewildering array of buttons.
Zoom in on Buffy's anxious face.
Pan across the row of buttons.
Buffy stares at the buttons, then looks at the customer.
BUFFY: Excuse me. Um, this button. (pointing) Does it look chocolatey to you?
"The funky monkey claims another victim."
Angel: (on sitting so far away from the stage) Back in the day, I'd always get box seats. Or I'd just eat the people who had them.
Cordelia: Don't let's reminisce
Angel: I was thinking now. You guys should go back. I'll snoop.
Cordelia: I'm with snoopy. Magic of the ballet, not really getting to me.
Wesley: How will the dancers keep time without your rhythmic snoring? (all snicker)
Angel: (after he stabs one minion and throws a dagger, killing another) You all right?
Cordelia: Yeah, we've got to move.
Angel: You think they're not dead?
Cordelia: You just looked really hot doing that.
Angel: Oh.
Cordelia: Yeah.
Angel: Run.
Faith: Oh, it's boring. way too stuffy for a guy like you.
Buffy: Um, maybe I should introduce you again. Faith, this is Giles.
Faith: I see him. If I'd known they came that young and cute, I would've requested a transfer.
Buffy: Raise your hand if "ew" *raises her hand*
"Look Buffy, any person grown-up, shrink, pope, any person who claims to be totally sane is eitehr lying or not very bright."
-Mr. Platt
"She woudln't even kill me. She just left. She didn't even care enough to cut off my head, or set me on fire!! I mean, is that too much to ask? You know? Some little sign that she cared?"
-Spike
Cordelia: I demand an explanation!
Xander: For what?
Cordelia: Wesley.
Xander: Uh - inbreeding?
Oz: Any change?
Willow: He's delirious. He thought I was Buffy.
Oz: You too, huh?
Fred: Can I say something about destiny? Screw destiny. If this evil thing comes, well fight it, and well keep fighting it until we whip it. Because destinys just another word for inevitable, and nothings inevitable as long as you stand up, look it in the eye, and say youre evitable. Well, you catch my drift.
Wesley: (on Angel going to kill Darla) why does he think he has to do everything alone?
Fred: I think he just cant bear to have us see him do it.
Wesley: Kill Darla? She did try to kill Cordy. And shes a vampire.
Fred: Whos carrying his child, the one thing he can never have, even if he lives forever.
Darla: Oh. I love children. I could just (pauses) eat them up.
Angel: Youre not alone in this anymore. Well deal with this together.
Darla: (sarcastically) Gosh, Im just the luckiest vampire girl in the whole world.
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